


Equidistant Damages

by YourLocalPriestess



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Character death will come sooner than you think but....bear with me, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Graphic violence at points, M/M, NSFW at points, Parallel Universes, Saddle up everyone!, Set During ME3, Slow Burn, Those will be so marked at the start of chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-28 09:35:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10087136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourLocalPriestess/pseuds/YourLocalPriestess
Summary: After fighting to the last man, Commander Cal Shepard is faced with the Crucible’s choice. Never in her life had she pictured it would end this way, but when it came to the wire, she accepted the consequences of her decision. She accepted the end.Except it wasn’t. Cal Shepard survived her choice, was saved from it. Her saviors tell her that the fight against Reapers reaches beyond any stretch of imagination she knows, across galaxies and universes – infinite and catastrophic. And they need her to put a stop to it, once and for all.





	1. Finality

**Author's Note:**

> This is fic has been yelling at me for over a year and I am finally embarking on this, honestly, challenging premise. I'm trying to do it as "right" as I can and I've been working on this for a few months just to make sure it was ready. And for anyone familiar with Cal from my previous fics, this is her AU ending, what could have happened if she'd made different choice throughout her life. I consider her "canon" ending to be Message Failed to Send.
> 
> Anndd, here we are! Have a prologue before things get, Weird.
> 
> ***Heads up, mShenko arrives in Ch. 3, and it plays a significant role when we get there! This fic is mainly Shakarian focused, though.

Another droning thrum of the Reaper fire ripped through the air. She didn’t – couldn’t – tear her eyes away from the beam. She pushed on. Soldiers screamed all around her. Friends were vaporized before her eyes. She felt her lungs tighten with the exertion, soreness from the other battles weighing into her as she sprinted. A beam exploded in the ground, missing her by inches. She heard someone shout her name but there was no time, no time. She’d barely caught her bearings when a beam met the Mako in front of her. The metallic tear of fire and metal jarred her back to her senses as it sailed toward her. She hit the ground and rolled out of the way. She looked back as she crawled into cover and saw her teammates freeze as the destroyed vessel flew toward them. His eyes locked with hers and still he stood there.

“Garrus, MOVE!”

Too late.

The dry lump in her throat had nothing to do with the ash in the air. The numbness didn’t come from any shots that managed to hit her. The destroyed Mako lay upside down in the rubble, leaving no evidence of its crimes.

She balled her hands into fists and leapt over her cover in one fluid motion. A roar ripped through her chest as she sprinted the last few meters, passed the few remaining soldiers. _Al. Most. There…_

Blinding yellow and red and dirt encompassed her. Then there was darkness.

           

She blinked into the blinding light to find her vision hazy and muddled. She could barely make out Harbinger, rising and floating away with little more effort than a feather caught in the wind. She heard a gurgling sound before realizing it was her own rasping breath. The next second she felt a familiar metallic taste on her tongue. With a grunt, she leaned forward. Pain shot through so many points on her body she couldn’t even pinpoint something to be gentle with. She glanced down at her armor, or rather what remained of it. Ruined pieces of her lucky N7 armor were dented beyond recognition or had holes blasted throughout. By some miracle, none of the shards had pierced her skin, but walking around with the extra, useless weight would do nothing but slow her down with whatever injuries she’d already suffered. So, with far more difficulty than she liked, she peeled away the remaining clasps and pieces until all that was left were her unshielded regs beneath. To her right lay a soldier with a missing head, still gripping his pistol. She pried it from his hands and hauled herself up. Forward.

She couldn’t tell how much time was passing. No one spoke in her ear, giving updates or orders. She shot the maurader down, never mind the crippling fear over how much her hands were shaking and the fact that she couldn’t steady them. Still, no one spoke to her. Radio silence. She shivered. It didn’t matter. She was so close now. It was almost over. She took the final step into the beam.

The minutes – hours, time – passed in a haze of darkness and fleshy masses under her feet that were tinged with a red mix of blood and hazard lights. The smell alone was enough to incapacitate her on a better day, but she pressed on. It felt like years before she reached a hollow in the Citadel. She made the trek up the sleek metal incline until she saw a gaping window with a panel at its head, manned by The Illusive Man himself. Anderson’s back faced her, unmoving. She grit her teeth as she made her entrance.

The black that infringed on her vision reminded her too much of the little boy in her dreams, always running from her around those shadowy trees. But no voices whispered now, only the Illusive Man’s droning rants.

“We can _control_ them, Shepard. Use them to drive humanity above everyone else. Imagine what we could learn. Imagine the power!”

 _Bullshit_. But the word wouldn’t leave her. Her mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water.

“You would have us destroy them. But that is such a waste compared to all that they can offer us. Surely you can see that.”

“You’re indoctrinated,” she ground out. “Nothing more than a puppet.” She lifted her pistol toward the bastard.

The Illusive Man only leveled a condescending glare as Anderson himself moved so he was directly in front of her shot. _Fuck_. Her anger felt hot and heavy as she struggled against the pistol, unable to move through the black cloud in her veins.

“Do what you need to do, Shepard.” Anderson’s voice was steady and stern.

Anderson, her mentor and friend, captured as she was, and still _encouraging_ her. The Illusive Man smirked. Fucking bastard. Hadn’t she lost enough? Hadn’t she sacrificed enough?

“You’ve never been capable of doing what was necessary.”

A shot rang out and the Illusive Man collapsed, a new hole resting directly between his now-dimming cybernetic eyes. Anderson fell to his knees moments later. As the last of the black left her vision she could see blood start to roll out of the hole she’d left in his back. She walked to the panel as fast as her injuries would allow and punched in the combination that would open the arms, and then dropped to her knees next to him. They worked together to pull themselves over to a small rise in the floor. She helped him into a sitting position before allowing herself to rest next to him.

“Don’t die on me now, Anderson.” Her voice was hoarse and blood trickled out with the words. She looked down at the warm wetness coming from her abdomen and swallowed back the bile that was rising in her throat. Never had much of a problem with seeing blood, but it had been a long time since she’d seen as much of her own. She looked back at Anderson, whose eyes were drifting shut and breaths were coming in shallow bursts. “Anderson?”

Then they both heard it over the comm. The crucible was connected. They had done it. Shepard sighed and let the tension that held herself up dissipate.

“Hell of a view,” he finally said, his voice coming out as ragged as her own.

“Best seats in the house.” Ships fired on one another over Earth’s atmosphere. She felt a calm creep through her as they watched it in the stone silence of this unfamiliar room. The calm stole the strength from her, causing her limbs to relax and her lids to feel heavy. God, she was tired.

“God… It feels like years since I just sat down.”

Shepard turned her head. Anderson wasn’t looking at her, and his head drooped lower than it had a moment ago. The pool of blood beneath him had spread to her thighs, still warm. She tore her eyes back to his face. “I think you’ve earned a rest.”

“Mmm.”

She placed a hand on his thigh. “Stay with me. We’re almost through this.”

Anderson finally looked at her and she hated the weariness she saw there, the exhaustion. “You did good, child. You did good.” A hair’s breadth of silence. “I’m proud of you.”

Shepard looked away and sniffed, trying to hide the stinging in her eyes. “Thank you, sir.” She looked back to see his head was hung low, and felt the breath leave her lungs again. “Anderson?” Her chest was tight, breaths coming in quick and shallow.

Anderson. Garrus. Vega. Tali. Miranda. Mordin. Ashley. Thane. Samara. Grunt. Kaidan. How many more people could she fail? How many more had to die for this? Exhaustion weighed heavy into her bones, into her lungs. Earth burning beneath her. More deaths in the Reapers’ claws.

Hell. She’d done all she could. She’d fought the good fight. She’d made the tough calls no one else would. She’d fucking _been there_ when no one else wanted to believe her. People she cared for, people she _loved_ , had died for this. But it was finished. She’d done all she could. She’d done _everything_. The Crucible was connected. The Reapers would die soon. She could too.

“Okay,” she sighed, letting the heaviness on her lids win at last.

 

She woke up with Hackett’s voice in her ear. Not over yet. Not firing. Reapers still attacking. _What do you need me to do?_ She didn’t even have to think about it before the question tumbled out. Her body slumped against the panel as she looked at the screen for something, anything, a big red button, but the symbols were beyond translation. Or maybe it was the pain making it hard for her to see. To think. _It must be something on your end, Shepard_. Of course it was. She stumbled backward, beginning to scan the room for something else, and then she started rising.

The shift brought her to her knees. One hand hit the floor; the other gripped the pistol tighter than ever. All around her was foot upon foot of metal walls, and looking up only led to blinding light with no end in sight. The slow rise brought on an out-of-place wave of nostalgia, reminiscent of those early days on the Citadel when the elevators lasted for centuries. But as the light grew closer, she felt more and more that it could go slower at any point and she wouldn’t mind.

She shielded her eyes against the light as she emerged…wherever she was. When she opened her eyes, she was in a place that looked nothing like any Citadel she had ever walked on. Before her was a white beam, connecting the Citadel to the Crucible. She rose up as fully as she could. Whatever she needed to do had to be there, but god, it looked like miles and sticky warmth still spurted out of her abdomen and everyone was gone and she was so tired.

Before she even took a step, the child materialized beside her, silvery and bright. The same child. What little blood her body retained went cold.

It spoke with a child’s voice, yet it rattled through her as though she was hearing so many voices at once, saying the same things. It talked about its creation, about Leviathan, why it did this. It called this the Cycle, one that had to be continued.

Her grip only tightened on her pistol as it spoke, the knot in her chest becoming more and more difficult to breathe through. What kind of bullshit was this? Destroy. End all technological life – technology, period – and successfully destroy the Reapers. But what about the geth? What about EDI? Or Control, an option so repulsive, so tightly woven into the Illusive Man’s rhetoric she dismissed it out of hand. Or Synthesis. Dismantling and redistributing herself into all matter, all sentient life, for the sake of peace. The end of the cycle. The child spoke fervently, a verbal shove in the direction of the center beam. But the back of her scalp itched in the all too familiar pang of _this is not right_.

“Those aren’t options. They’re ultimatums.”

The child’s expression did not change. Neither did its voice. It only tilted its head in such a human way that only served to alienate it further. “These are the only choices. Nothing else can work.”

“No. They’re _your_ choices.” Her breath shuddered and her body trembled, but she pulled herself as straight as she could and aimed for its head. “What are you hiding?”

The child frowned. “There is nothing else to tell.”

“Bullshit,” she growled. “That can’t be all! I will _not_ betray my people. How do I end this?”

The child flickered and its voice wavered before returning to steadiness. “There is nothing else.” It spoke slowly; letting its words leech into her mind, crawl through her veins.

She screamed and pulled at her hair with the hand that had gripped her abdomen. She could feel the words slithering around her mind, pulling at her vocal cords to say what it wanted. And, god, she wanted to. It would be so easy to just –

“No!”

A single shot rang out. The child’s face rippled and reformed, just as a knot formed into her leaking gut. She stared wide eyed at the unperturbed creature.

“So be it.” The voice was dark, twisted, like Harbinger. She felt cold all over.

“No…” It was turning away, dissipating into nothing. “No!” She fired into the vanishing form until the gun clipped empty.

The adrenaline left her as quickly as it came and took her strength with it. Her knees buckled. She collapsed into a pool of blood that had been seeping out of her. She grit her teeth as she struggled to find purchase on the wet floor to pull herself upright and hissed through the pain that came with the effort. As soon as she was near sitting, an explosion shook through the Citadel. Her head hit the floor as she slipped. More explosions shook and rang around her. With the last of her strength, she turned toward the beam and watched all of the child’s choices burn. That needling feeling was at the back of her neck again, screaming at her to _get up goddammit_ , but her vision was going dim, and the darkness felt blessedly numb, and the fire could keep her warm, couldn’t it?


	2. At the Precipice

Air filled her in an icy rush. She gasped as her lungs burned with the unfamiliar sensation, her chest rising and falling in staccato bursts. Pain throbbed all over her body in a dull ache. Her arms felt heavier than they should, but she summoned her strength to lift one hand to her abdomen. Plain, thin cotton was all that met her fingertips. A hospital gown. Maybe. She felt around where she remembered the pain and the seeping and the hole, but nothing. There was only smooth skin beneath the coarse gown’s material. She frowned.

“I think she’s conscious.”

“Wouldn’t touch her wound if unconscious. Obvious observation.”

Shepard knew that voice. Both those voices. But that was impossible. Her hand stilled.

The woman groaned. “Are you always so intolerable?”

A soft chuckle. “Usually.”

“Shouldn’t someone say something to her?” Shepard didn’t recognize that one. She focused on controlling her breathing. She still hadn’t opened her eyes.

“Unwise. More effective to let her come to us on her own terms. Unstable mental status due to trauma. Allowing her to adjust, _best_ for optimal health.”

Shepard swallowed. She could feel every nerve in her body on edge and aching, but very much alive. She attempted to wiggle her toes and fingers without drawing further attention to herself. If she was going to get the jump on these lying voices, she would need to do so without them making further observations of her ‘adjustment.’

Just like that, her muscles coiled like a spring, the familiar tension of an impending fight. Adrenaline raced down her spine and clenched in her fists. She would need surprise on her side and she was going to goddamn use it.

She leapt out of the bed and promptly collapsed to the floor in a heap of useless limbs. She attempted to stand up, but her muscles screamed and wouldn’t listen. The dull ache had transformed into shooting pains all over her body. They had to have done this to her. She could not be this helpless. She was Commander fucking Shepard. She screamed and turned her head toward her assailants, ready to rip them all new assholes, and felt the breath leave her lungs.

Mordin was approaching her. Mordin. Mordin Solus. The same Mordin that she had watched burn on Tuchanka. And behind him was still more impossible. Miranda, her head held in that sure, confident way she always had and her hands clasped behind her back. She hadn’t moved an inch. The other man, middle-aged and blond with a scruffy beard, she didn’t recognize. The phantom Mordin crouched in front her, only inches from her face. She flinched at the proximity. This – this thing – it shouldn’t smell like Mordin. It shouldn’t have his face. She glanced at him through the hair that had fallen over her eyes. His skin shimmered green in the light when he moved, and his eyes were lined with a glow similar to the Illusive Man, but green where his had been blue.

“What the _fuck_ are you?”

“You know who I am, Shepard.”

“That’s not possible,” she ground out, pushing herself back and hating the way her voice shattered at the edges. “You died.”

“Your Mordin died.” The phantom Miranda had spoken now, and stepped forward into this Mordin’s seven, giving her full access to Shepard’s face. “Just as your Miranda did.”

Shepard remembered holding Miranda in her arms, feeling her friend’s warm blood spill out over her legs no matter how much medigel she patched into her suit. She remembered telling her that Oriana safe. She remembered watching the relief wash over her, making the woman’s body go lax and weak in her arms; so unlike her, unlike anything that Miranda had been in Shepard’s life. And god, she remembered that ghost of a smile, forever frozen on her face.

She wished she could forget.

“That’s a lie.” Her voice was firmer now. She raised herself up on one arm and flipped her hair out of her face to raise her chin. “I was there. When both of you died.”

There was a beat of silence in the sterile, white room, filled only by the sound of her ragged breaths.           

“Not a hallucination, Shepard. Not a trick.” This Mordin held out his hand. “Let us explain.”

Her eyes watered as they dashed between the outstretched palm and the unfamiliar voice that somehow still gave the same comfort that _her_ Mordin always had. She pursed her lips and two treacherous tears spilled over when her eyes settled on his. “There better be a damn good explanation.”

He nodded, his eyes crinkling in such a normal way that it made her stomach turn. “Trust me.”

She swallowed. “No.” She took his hand. “But I’ll listen. And you’ll answer every one of my questions.”

He nodded and helped her settle back into a sitting position on the bed. She promptly shrugged off his hand. He frowned at her for a moment before taking a step back and matching Miranda’s stance; hands clasped behind his back and head held high. “What do you want to know?”

“Who are you?” She shot them each a singular pointed glance and returned her gaze to Mordin. “And why are you all green?”

He sighed. “Long story. A lot to take in.” He sniffed. “ _Must_ keep an open mind.”

She sucked in her top lip and nodded once. Miranda took over.

“We are called the Grid Team. We were chosen specifically to find Shepard and entrust them with a final mission.” She stepped forward and took a breath, her features softening slightly. “We are from an alternate universe. In ours, our Shepard made the choice of Synthesis when the Crucible offered it, dispelling her DNA throughout the galaxy and merging synthetic and organic life.”

The silence following such a declaration was more deafening than any explosion Shepard had ever experienced.

Then she laughed.

“You’re off your tit!” she shouted between the manic bursts of sound. She wasn’t sure now whether they were sobs or laughs. “Or you’re lying.”

“It’s not a lie, ma’am,” the man in the back stated.

She fixed her gaze on him, the last of her laughs fizzling out in light of his compassionate stare. Her hands were turning white where they gripped the edge of the bed. “And just who are you?”

“Conrad Verner.”

“Conrad…” She rolled the name around on her tongue, letting her voice trail into silence before it clicked. “You – You were on the Citadel. Years ago,” she whispered, her voice far away.

“Indeed. In our universe, Melissa Shepard was courteous to me, multiple times. I went on to get a PhD in Xenoscience and Technology. That, paired with my experiences with our Shepard, is why I’m here now.”

“What does not mean, ‘why you’re here now’?” she whispered. Her eyes closed and she gripped her head. “None of this makes any sense.”

“All chosen for Grid Team due to specialty and experience with Shepard. Experiences crucial to mission success,” Mordin added.

She shook her head and turned to him. “What mission? What experiences? Why are you here?”

Miranda sighed. “May I continue without further interruptions?”

Shepard pursed her lips. “Yes.”

She nodded. “As I said, Melissa chose to merge synthetic and organic life. This synthesis was difficult to navigate at the start, but after a few years, we had established a near utopian galaxy. No one was getting sick anymore. The Reapers were helping us rebuild and returning knowledge that they had harvested eons ago. All races worked together to restore order. It was like this for centuries.”

“It sounds…good.” Panic crept up her spine. “Perfect.”

“Yes,” the woman sighed. She shifted to her other foot and her whole body shimmered green for a moment. “It was for a long time.”

“What happened?”

“You must understand, violence and war did not exist. Our people can die, but not from old age. We also can, and actively did, procreate. We were running out of resources and space, on all the planets.

“There was a summit of the Intergalactic Coalition held on the rebuilt Citadel. The Coalition is a host to multiple representatives of all races. I was one of the ones representing humans. The discussion of what to do lasted well over a week with various potential plans. There was still no word from the Andromeda Initiative and we still hadn’t been able to come up with more efficient space travel to another galaxy.”

“Wait,” Shepard frowned. “I remember that. Ryder, right? He was leading an expedition.”

This Miranda quirked an eyebrow and crossed her arms. Shepard felt anger boiling at the condescension, but bit her tongue until she tasted blood.

“As I was saying,” she continued, “there were no viable options. We were on the verge of ending the meeting unresolved, to revisit at a later date, until the Reapers finally gave their input.” She swallowed. “That’s when they shared a new technology with us, a combined effort of their creation from their harvests. It had the ability to transfer entire fleets, whole galaxies of population, into other universes.”

The silence that fell brought a cloud of tension with it. Shepard clenched and unclenched her fist. Miranda plowed on, as if unable to stop herself.

“Their intent was for us to mobilize and claim these other universes for our own, despite any existing population. A few of us spoke out against it. That debate lasted longer than the first. But in the end, the Coalition held a vote that passed it. The rest of us were expected to fall in line, or pay the consequences. That was when Mordin and I formed the Grid Team, to counteract the Reapers’ plans.”

Shepard wasn’t sure how long she bored a hole into the pristine white floor, but when she finally looked up, the buzzing in her ears had finally died. She looked to Mordin. “Say I believe you. Why did your _galaxy_ buy it? Why aren’t you here with your Reapers?”

“It’s…” he sniffed, “complicated. Not easy to understand why galaxy able to trust Reapers given previous experience. Suspect long term indoctrination effects, though unlikely. Possible that galaxy simply adapted to dictatorial mind set. Sense of entitlement obvious in those that voted for cross to new universe.”

She exhaled – grumbled – and turned to Miranda again, sparing a glance at Conrad in the process. “That doesn’t answer my other questions.”

“We stole the tech,” Conrad cut in. “Rather, we duplicated it. When those of us who had voted no were still forced to follow suit with the affirmative vote, we were able to observe the process of travelling to another universe from a scientific perspective. Once we saw what they were capable of, I headed the team of scientists and engineers that duplicated it.”

Shepard frowned and clutched her forehead with one hand, the other still white knuckled on the edge of the bed. “Okay, so you left. That’s great. If you were looking for a new peaceful home, it’s not here, in case you missed that.”

“That’s not why we’re here.” Miranda rolled her eyes. “When we arrived with the Reapers in a separate universe the first time, things were…not what we expected.”

“Other Shepard. Other Mordin. Other _Reapers_. New and different, but parallel to us.” Mordin sniffed. “All decimated within week of arrival.”

The wind left her lungs. She opened and closed her mouth, searching for words as her mind drowned.

“They didn’t stop there. The Reapers,” Conrad added. “They convinced the Coalition that that universe wasn’t good enough. They used us to gather the resources there and moved on, and on, and on.”

A huff that almost sounded like a chuckled left her. “Are you saying – did they –?”

“The cycle continues.”

Shepard straightened against the chill that raced down her spine. The child in her memory tilted its silvery head and sang a song of peace and continuity, of happy endings. “It lied.”

“Yes,” he nodded.

Her hands ached from gripping the bed. She ran them over her face and tried for deep and steady breaths against the torrent of knowledge that was choking her throat. Another deep breath, yes, another, slowly. She let one hand fall in her lap, limp and useless, and ran the other through her hair. She met Miranda’s eyes. “You can’t help us. It’s too late.”

She hated the hollowness in her voice, hated it even more than she hated the frailty that ached in her limbs. She couldn’t remember the last time she admitted defeat to herself, let alone a stranger.

Miranda pursed her lips, eyes darting from Conrad to Mordin, looking for something that neither of them offered. Shepard frowned.

“What?”

Miranda shot the other two a look again, glared, and faced her. “We didn’t come here to save your world.”

“I don’t –” Logic warred with her larynx, choking out her words. She swallowed. “Then why are you _here_?”

“For you.” Mordin blinked at her.

The room swam. She swayed and Mordin’s hand grabbed her arm. She slapped it away. Her breaths came in frantic bursts and her hands found their way to her hair again. She shook her head, pulled her hair to stop the shaking in her hands. “Why?” she breathed out. Silence met her. She glared at them. “Why?!”

Conrad levelled her with the most disgustingly compassionate look she’d ever received. “We need you to stop them.”

Hysterical laughter bubbled out of her. Her body shook with it. She covered her mouth, but it persisted. They just watched her. She laughed and they watched and the laughter wouldn’t stop and they just _watched_ and she realized sobs and laughter felt the same in the end.

“I couldn’t have just _died_ ,” she spat, pulling her legs up to her chest. She grit her teeth and rested her head against her knees.

It seemed like a life time passed. Miranda coughed. Shepard looked at her.

Miranda shifted form foot to foot under her gaze. “For the sake of honesty, I feel compelled to tell you that you did.”

The room went cold. “What?”

The woman cleared her throat. “You died in explosion on the Crucible three days ago. We brought you back.”

Shepard was still for only a moment, one millisecond, before she leapt out of the bed with a roar and a blinding flare of biotic blue. Halfway to her destination, Conrad’s arm struck her in the chest and she hit the floor with a hard smack. Still pulsing blue, she curled her fists on the ground and made to attack anew when she felt a pinch in her neck. She looked to her left.

Mordin held her steady, a syringe in one hand. His skin shimmered green as her vision faded to black.

                                         

Consciousness pulsed through her at the same steady pace of syrup slipping down a tree in the dead of winter. She blinked against the light above her. Her eyes adjusted as she registered her lungs, her heart rate, her arms, her legs; all unrestrained. She wiggled her fingers and toes to be sure. Perfect mobility. She took a steady breath and looked ahead. Another damned white room. Nothing in it but the bed she occupied. Two guards stood with their back to her, unaware of her new awareness.

She moved out of the bed with one swift movement, soundless but for the pad of her bare feet on the cool floor. In the time it took one to glance her away and register alarm, her body was alight. They both rose in the air in her biotic grip. With the flick of her wrists, they smashed into opposite walls with crushing force, adding a new color to the bland white. She took a steadying breath and concentrated her energy into blue balls of fire in her fists, and marched into the hall.

Everything on the damn ship was fucking white. As she crept down the hall, doors sealed themselves seamlessly against the walls and vanished when she got near. Was the hall getting longer? Her pace increased with every door that disappeared before she could touch it, until she was sprinting, the hall and its vanishing doors a white, blinding blur. Finally, she saw a door at the end. She pushed harder and her legs screamed. The door began to move, but she was close enough, just close enough; she flung herself through it and onto the floor.

Miranda stood above her, wide-eyed and gaping like a fish out of water. Shepard was up in an instant and clutched the woman by the throat before she could respond. Her biotics flared over her body, uncontrolled.

“Why?” she snarled.

The green shimmer on Miranda’s skin was turning a sickening turquoise as she tightened her grip. She pulled at Shepard’s immobile arm, opening and closing her mouth as little gasps got out. Shepard loosened her grip marginally.

“What?” Miranda gasped.

Hot tears pricked in Shepard’s eyes against her will. “Why?” She grit her teeth against the desperation she was barely keeping at bay. “Why did you bring me back?”

“We. Need. You.”

Shepard only tightened her grip and lifted Miranda a few inches off the ground.

“She’s not lying to you.”

Shepard glanced to her left. Conrad was in her vision. Her brows furrowed further and she narrowed her eyes at the woman who was turning a deep blue in her hand.

“If she dies, we can’t explain anything to you. She is a key component to this mission, to what we’ve done here.”

“I don’t give a fuck about your mission,” she spat.

He sighed and stepped next to Miranda’s lifted frame, into her vision. “Wouldn’t you like the full story, for once? To know exactly why you are asked to do the impossible? You’ve been given half-truths your whole life and been made to put the pieces together as you went.” He rested his hand on her shoulder. “You don’t have to do that anymore.”

Shepard felt panic rise like bile in her throat as she glanced from Miranda to him. It was like he knew exactly where she hid all her darkest bitterness.

Before her eyes gave any more away, she released the woman and let her fall to the floor. She stepped away from them both and concentrated her biotics into blue fists of energy. “You have five minutes.”

“What do you want to know?”

His voice was too calm. More than that, there was an edge of…kindness in it. Anger she could deal with. Spite she could deal with. Kindness was uncharted territory. “Tell me why you need me.”

He sighed. “That’s a little complicated. It might take more than a few minutes.”

“Sum it up,” she bit back.

“We need you,” Miranda gasped out. She was clutching her throat and staring up at her from the floor. “To defeat the Reapers.”

A black chuckle left her. “I already tried. It didn’t work.”

“We know,” he stated. “We have something that can.”

Despite herself, she felt her eyes widen for a moment, before she returned to her previous glare. “Then why me? You said you can travel to parallel universes, to any universe. If that’s the case, then there are thousands of Shepards. Hell, there are other marines. Why _me_?”

Miranda hoisted herself up with the help of Conrad’s hand and levelled her with a stern look. “Because you were next in line.”

Her hands lowered by a fraction. “What–”

“We’ve tried before, with other Shepards. Shepard is the only one with the knowledge, the experience, to do what we’re asking of them. But they’ve all failed. Consistently.” Conrad’s face was lifeless as he spoke.

Her hands trembled. “Failed at what? What did you ask them to do?”

He pursed his lips. “Because of the parallels between universes, none of the choices you saw on the Crucible defeat the Reapers, not completely. No matter the choice, even if Shepard chose to destroy them, it’s only a matter of time before Controlled or Synthesized Reapers come and annihilate anyone left.

“We figured out that we would need to develop some kind of means to destroy them, completely. It would be useless to leave our universe only to have to keep leaving another, over and over.”

“Mordin and Conrad developed coded tech that systematically un-does the Reapers’ code,” Miranda cut in. “They’ve tested it on live subjects. Husks, cannibals, marauders. I think one Shepard used it on a Harvester once, just to test it. It un-does the coding so that the monsters are no more than mindless creatures; easy enough to kill without any commands to attack.”

“What happens if it’s used on a Reaper?” Shepard’s fists were the only thing glowing now, her desire to know what the fuck was going on winning out over the urge to smash the woman’s smug face.

Miranda grinned. The skin over her face shimmered. “They fall apart. Totally lifeless, all their code erased. Like they never existed.”

 Shepard licked her lips and blinked a few times, took a few deep breaths. “What happened to them, to the Shepards that used it? Why didn’t they do what you asked?” They both looked away for a moment. Shepard frowned and took a step forward, putting on her best Commander voice. “What happened?”

Conrad met her eyes. She watched him swallow and twist his hands. “Because the tech is inherently Reaper based, they were able to sense it as soon as Val Shepard used it on the Reaper.” He sighed. “Once they knew about the tech and what it was capable of, they stopped harvesting and annihilated every planet in that galaxy.”

Shepard gulped. “They can do that?”

He only nodded. She pursed her lips and looked out the window into the empty space ahead. The adrenaline of anger drained from her with every passing moment. She flexed out her fingers, let her biotics flare and die. She pressed her tongue to her cheek and looked back at them both.

“What are you expecting me to do? If they just destroy, there’s nothing to be done.”

“There _is_ though,” Miranda pressed. She stepped forward, a strange light in her eyes. _Hope_ , Shepard realized. “They fixed the tech.”

“What does ‘fixed’ mean?” Shepard frowned, stepping back again.

“The Reapers sense live tech. The code doesn’t do anything in dormancy. It’s untraceable.” Miranda smiled, like she couldn’t hold it in another moment. “All that’s left to do is put it in the Crucible. From there, it burns through every universe and stops every cycle, some before they even begin.”

She felt her biotics flare over her body. She inhaled through her nose in an attempt to control it. Miranda eyed her flexing fingers and backed up. “If it’s so goddamn simple, where were you when _I_ was fighting Reapers? When my people were _dying_?”

“We couldn’t help you,” Conrad stated, that useless, compassionate look in his eyes again. “We tried before. The Reapers sensed our ship and destroyed that universe as well, even before the events of Eden Prime took place. We barely escaped with our lives.”

Shepard groaned and ran a hand over her hair, rubbed her fingers against her eyes. “None of this makes any sense,” she shouted, exasperated. “Can I –” she sighed. “Can I sit or something?” The room swayed in her vision. “I need…I need to think.”

A door materialized and turian woman brought her a chair. Shepard gulped at the sight of her, but barely had time to process her presence before she was gone. She forced the lingering thought of Nyreen away and collapsed into the chair. She took a few short, steady breaths, let her shoulders sink into herself, ran another hand through her hair. “What happened, after I died?” Her voice cracked on the word. She gulped, swallowing it and every feeling it conjured deep into herself, and sat straight, facing them head on.

“You were incinerated in the–”

“ _No_.” She sighed. “What happened to Earth? To my crew? Hell, how long…” She stared at the wall for a moment, let the question fall and sit in the air between them.

“The Reapers succeeded. It’s been two weeks.”

A choked chuckle left her. It might have been a sob. It didn’t matter. She licked her lips and tried to swallow through the caked dryness in her throat, tried to picture everything she had ever known, everyone she had ever fought for, burning, dying. Everything she ever did, every sacrifice, for nothing.

She glared up at him. “Take me back.”

He frowned. “Back?”

“ _Back_.” She rose again. “Take me back. I can save them. I can fix it.”

He swallowed, shot a harried look to Miranda. She had never seen a man shrink so much before her own eyes.

“We can’t,” Miranda stated, her voice soft.

Shepard clenched her fists again. “Why not?”

“We can’t go back, not to any time, not to any universe. It’s impossible.”

She laughed. “You mean to fucking tell me that there are infinite parallel universe and infinite Shepards and infinite _Reapers_ , that you can travel to any of them, that you can save every goddamn universe in time and space, but you can’t go back in fucking _time_?”

“Yes,” Conrad sighed.

She moved into his space, her face only inches from his. “You’re lying,” she snarled.

“We gave up our home,” Miranda snapped. “We gave it up so that we could save every universe. We can never go back. And we didn’t do that so ungrateful bitches like you–”

Shepard punched her, the shock of closed fist meeting jaw sending shots of pain and adrenaline racing up her body. Miranda clutched her lip and gaped at her. A strange silvery substance leaked out where the blow had broken skin.

“Fuck you,” Shepard spat.

“What Miranda is trying to say,” Conrad cut in, glaring at them both, “is that we understand that you’re angry. We’ve just told you that everything you’ve ever done for the universe was for nothing, and then we come to you asking you to do it again, all the while weaving this intricate, impossible tale. I would be angry too.” He bit his lip. “But it’s all true. I wish it wasn’t. I wish there was another way, but another Shepard is the only way we can get the tech to the Crucible. You’re the only one with the knowledge and experience that can be trusted with this.”

Unwelcome tears welled in Shepard’s eyes and she rubbed them out before they could fall. “It’s impossible,” she sighed, her voice jagged.

“I know,” he said, looking firmer now than she’d yet seen him. “But we need you.”

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath. When she opened them again she looked at them both. “What do I need to do?”

 

“So how did you survive, in your universe?” Shepard asked Mordin as he gave her the weekly physical.

He sniffed. “Shepard convinced me there was more to do. Provided fail safe to release cure. Self-sacrifice deemed,” he sniffed again, “unnecessary.”

She chuckled once. “Wish I’d thought of that.”

He typed something into his tool and stepped away from her. “Acclimating well to enhanced cybernetics. Physical damages appear fully healed. Slower than expected, but healed.”

 “It’s been a _week_.”

He shot a glance at her over his tool before returning to his typing. “As I said.”

She frowned and leaned forward. “How many Shepards have you guys–” She cleared her throat. “How many have done this, gone to another universe I mean?”

He powered down his tool and frowned at her. “You make the tenth.”

“ _Tenth_?” she choked out. “What happened with the others?”

He sighed. “Various complications. Most activated tech too soon, or didn’t know Reapers sensed it. Some just,” he sniffed, “reckless. Got themselves killed. Didn’t earn trust.”

“Mmm.” She rolled that around in her head. Nine other Shepards, all dead with dead universes trailing behind them. “Any tips?”

“Don’t die.”

She smirked. “Great pep talk, professor.”

He rewarded her with a watery smile. “I’ll notify Commander Verner. Will depart shortly. You’re ready.”

“Oh.” She felt the blood drain from her face. “Alright.” She clapped her hands against the medical table and stood up. “Let’s go.”

 

She stood next to Conrad in the same room where she’d agreed to help them little over a week ago. She had learned a few hours later that he was the Commander of the white, pristine vessel. It reminded her of a bad sci-fi novel – gleaming walls, vanishing doors, auto-piloting, glass windows that spanned from ceiling to floor, and all while they travelled to another universe. She fought the urge to sigh and rubbed her temple.

“So, where are we headed, Commander?” She failed to keep the ire from her voice at the use of the title.

He shot her a look and went back to watching the blur of starry travel. “The next universe over on the grid, the closest at least.”

“Mmm,” she mused. She rolled her shoulders and her armor clinked. They had rebuilt her lucky, black, N7 armor from scratch, and even added improvements (not including the upgrades to her visor). Hell, they even got her a Kodiak to ensure she arrive undetected. She was ready to drop as soon as they landed. “I suppose a better question would be _when_ are we headed?”

“I’m not sure,” he stated, after a moment’s hesitation. “We have no way of controlling the time that we land. Time moves differently in every universe so it can’t be planned around. Don’t worry though.” He looked at her. “It feels the same when you’re there. It just makes it impossible to navigate from one universe to the other.”

She blinked at him. “Are you telling me you have no idea when we’ll arrive? How early could we be?”

“Sometime between 2183 and 2186.”

She raised her eyebrows. “You didn’t think that might have been useful knowledge to have a week ago?”

“It slipped through the cracks. I apologize. But regardless, we’re about to find out.” He nodded toward the window. “We’re here.”

The stars slowed to a halt without the ship so much as jostling. Below them the Citadel sat. It looked as it always had, except for one ward, which was completely dark. Shepard frowned and walked as close to the window as she dared.

“Well,” he sighed. “Looks like we’re just in time for the Cerberus Coup.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha ahaha haha. Wow. I took over a month and a half to update. I suck. I'm sorry. But, YAYYYY. We're getting to the meaty bits now. This chapter has been my favorite thing to write, probably ever, because it's so different from my "normal" plot habits. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it!
> 
> Also, Andromeda is AMAZING. But it has not deterred my desire to finish this fic, or the *vague hand waving* other fic I'm working on for Big Bang. I'll try to update more consistently. :)
> 
> As always, thank you for reading. You are beautiful, and special, and brilliant and I can't thank you enough for taking the time. You're a rock star. Any comments/kudos/what-have-yous are appreciated <3


	3. They Came Through the Tunnels

She landed the Kodiak at C-Sec HQ the same as the first time. As she ducked out of the vehicle and into cover, the carnage of the battle struck her. Shepard never revisited her battles, not in the physical, literal sense. Only in the mental capacity – categorizing failures, successes, areas for improvement. There was no worth in walking through the past.

But as she took in the scene, her own sense of awe was surprising. She moved out of cover and lowered her M-11 suppressor. Her visor read no heat signatures, no signs of life. Instead there were Cerberus and C-Sec corpses everywhere, some still letting off the residual smoke of a firefight. _Shit_. It didn’t feel like her team had taken on so many before. It didn’t feel like so many in C-Sec had lost their lives. Was it always so many?

She shook off whatever strange, unfamiliar feeling was stirring in her gut and raised her pistol again. She couldn’t have much time if she was this far behind. There were no battling troops when she flew into the bay. Come to think of it, she couldn’t hear any shots from where she stood now. Not that that meant much of anything: The Citadel was forged of so many different forms of metal and sound dampening technology that more fortunate souls might have been able to sleep through the whole thing.

 _Focus_.

She huffed and began making her way quickly up the center aisle. The stillness was as unsettling as the quiet, and not the quiet of a battle won. Her comms were silent. No Joker in her ear cracking wise. No Cortez offering reports of an inability to land. And worse still, no squad bantering to ease the tension, or offering observations she didn’t catch.

No one at her six.

“Goddammit,” she muttered to herself as she reached the door, swallowing past the lump in her throat. She pressed the panel and ducked to the side before the door could open. When she peaked around the edge, she got no readings of movement or heat. She kept moving, as quickly as she could while remaining in cover.

The deeper in she went, the more sound she was able to hear. Echoing gunfire and pleas for help. But she couldn’t stop, couldn’t look for them. There just wasn’t enough time. As she moved she felt the strangest wave of déjà vu. The same places, the same situation, exactly as before, and yet so much more still. She had to keep shaking an uneasy tension from her shoulders.

She moved through another door. Bodies littered the floor; the dalatrass’ guards. Before her was the shattered window. New tension snaked through her blood as she approached it. She shook it off, forced herself to laser in her focus. Below, Thane sat leaned against one of the rows of arranged plants. She gulped, not hesitating before she leapt from the window for the second time in her life, and ran for him.

Within moments she was at his side. She gripped his shoulder. “Thane.”

It was a full second before he looked up to her. She watched the confusion flicker over his face. “Who–”

“Doesn’t matter,” she shook her head, wetting her lips. His voice was so much weaker than she remembered. “You’re injured.” She nodded toward the hand that was covering his wound. “What can I do?”

“Nothing now.” Even weak, his voice still carried that warbled rumble. He frowned up at her and coughed. “Why are you here?”

“I’m looking for Shepard.” Her own name tasted foreign on her tongue. “I’m here to help, but there isn’t much time. Have they been gone long?”

“They just left. That way.” He gestured over his shoulder.

She looked there, the same hall as before, but that wouldn’t work now, not is the door to the deck was to be sealed the way she remembered. She turned back to Thane and nodded once. “Thank you.”

Shepard sprinted toward the hallway and paused just inside it. She pulled up her omni-tool and scanned the map for a viable route. The elevators were out. Any attempt to breach that would only be met with too much Cerberus and too many doors. If she was going to save Ashley she would need to be faster than before. Smarter. Sweat beaded at her forehead as slide after zoomed-in slide skated across her eyes at lightning speed.

 _There_.

A keeper tunnel; two halls down and damn near a straight shot to the balcony. If she remembered correctly, it also left her with more than enough cover. She shut down her tool and sprinted. No time to waste.

 

Once she hauled herself out of the tunnel and into the artificial light of the Citadel, she was met with relative silence. There were still distant sounds of destruction echoing through the arms of the wards, but no frantic shouts from Ashley and her councilor charges. Shepard glanced around the corner. The vehicle was smoking and wrecked, but no one else was there. Had she beat them?

No sooner than the thought slipped through her mind than the doors to her far right burst open with an explosion of shouts and gun fire. She ducked behind crates and watched them as they moved further out on the balcony. First Udina, then…Tevos, and then…Sparatus? No, that wasn’t right. A male voice shouted at the councilors to get to cover. The voice itched at her skull, almost familiar. From the narrow sightline in her cover of crates she couldn’t quite see who–

Kaidan.

It took a moment to register him. It was definitely…him, though. God, it had been so long. He seemed so much more… She didn’t have a word for it. She didn’t know what part of his presence to process first. And where was Ashley, if he was here?

Before she knew it, she’d missed whatever Udina had said, and the door was opening. This was happening. She slid out from behind the tall crates and kept low enough to the smaller ones so as not to be noticed, while still keeping sharp tabs on Udina and the door.

Shepard, the other Shepard, strode out much the way she remembered herself doing before, guns raised and looking for all the world like he would shoot anything that looked at him funny. She had to steady herself at the sight. She knew from what Conrad had explained that anyone could be Shepard, but seeing Commander Shepard as a man was…strange. He was accompanied by an even stranger party – EDI and James.

 _Goddammit, focus_. If anything was going to go right in this damn universe, it was starting here. She took a steadying breath and watched the confrontation unfold before her.

“Shepard? What’s going on?” Kaidan asked. How had she not remembered that familiar graveled tone he always carried when he spoke?

“He’s blocking our only escape! He’s with Cerberus!” Udina cried, angry and frantic.

“Just hang on,” Kaidan chided. “I got this. Everyone calm down.”

“I can explain this, Kaidan,” the new Shepard stated. She didn’t remember feeling or sounding so calm.

“Come on, Shepard,” he sighed. “Gun drawn on a councilor? Kinda looks bad.”

The other Shepard hesitated for all of a moment. She steeled herself, aimed for Udina’s fascist skull to pre-empt the imminent friendly fire, but the other Shepard lowered his gun. And signaled for his team to do the same. She blinked twice, gaping.

“We don’t have time to negotiate,” the other Shepard announced. “You’ve been fooled, all of you. Udina’s behind the attack. The salarian councilor confirmed it.”

Udina stepped forward. “Please. You have no proof. You never do.”

The other Shepard stared only at Kaidan, whose gun was still tentatively at the ready. “There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind us. If you open that door, they’ll kill you all.”

Tevos spoke up. “We’ve mistrusted Shepard before, and it did not help us.”

Udina grumbled and stalked toward the console next to the burnt vehicle. “We don’t have time to debate this! We’re dead if we stay out here. I’m overriding the lock.”

With the snap of a practiced soldier, their Shepard’s gun was raised, as were his squad’s; an image of battle ready synchrony. The other Shepard stepped forward. Kaidan stood only a few feet away, gun still raised and a wavering look in his eye, and Shepard prepared herself to take the shot.

“I better not regret this.”

Kaidan said it so quietly she almost didn’t hear. But as the two men kept each other locked in sight, they both lowered their weapons.

“You won’t.”

She couldn’t help but stare in wonder. In one moment, Kaidan’s face was taken over by steel and rage as he raised his gun once more. On the traitor. “Step away from the console, Udina.”

The councilor glared, fuming. “To hell with this!”

Just as Udina began moving rapid fire against the console, Tevos moved forward to stop him. Shepard herself felt like a deer in headlights as she watched the scene unfold. Udina knocked the councilor to the ground and the door began to resound with blips and quirks of an opening lock. Then Udina pulled his pistol on Tevos.

Kaidan went wide eyed. “He’s got a gun!”

Bang!

The shot rang out clear and loud, leaving the balcony still as Udina collapsed, blood seeping out of his skull. Shepard had only a moment to remember who she was and what she had just done, before all eyes turned to her position.

She lowered her suppressor and stowed it as she stepped out of her cover and into the open air. There was a strange creeping discomfort the crawled through her bones the longer they all stared, wide eyed and confused.

Nakedness: That’s what it felt like.

“Who–”

Just then, the door continued its blips and beeps, and all guns, including her own, raised on it. It opened after only a moment to reveal Bailey and his lieutenant.

“Bailey?” he, Shepard, asked.

“Came as fast as we could Shepard, but it looks like you already,” he paused and regarded Udina’s fallen form, “took care of things.”

“Something’s not right.” Tevos pursed her lips and looked at her Shepard. “You said Cerberus was targeting us – where did their soldiers go?”

“Long gone now,” Shepard cut in. She kept her face stoic against the councilor’s resulting glare and everyone else’s still more confused glances.

“She’s right,” Bailey said with a nod. “Cerberus was right here, but they beat feet into the keeper tunnels when they figured out we were coming. Sorry councilor, I’ll say it plain; Shepard just saved the lot of you.”

“Then you have saved my life twice now, Shepard. I owe you both a personal debt, and one on behalf of Palavan,” Sparatus stated plainly.

“You don’t owe me anything councilor,” their Shepard stated, voice all warm and peaceful. It made her balk to see it, hear it, but he continued. “Times like this, we all stand together.”

Sparatus nodded once. “Commander, do you have any idea why the Illusive Man would do this?”

Shepard pursed her lips and swallowed. She moved to speak, but their Shepard beat her to the punch.

“No. I don’t,” he said. “But I plan to find out.”

“Good,” Tevos added, then rounded on her. Again, Shepard kept her face stoic against the woman’s glare. But Tevos only addressed her own Shepard, and gestured to her. “Now, who is this _woman_?”

“You’ll have to do this later,” Bailey cut in. “Principals have to evacuated first; we got a tunnel and a million more places to secure. Move it!”

The look Tevos shot between him and Shepard herself could melt ice. She only hesitated for a moment before she followed without complaint, shooting her Shepard a loaded look before she and the other councilors disappeared behind the doors. Shepard wasn’t sure if it was a comfort or a goddamn curse that, even in a different fucking universe, the Council was a still a collective ass.

It took all of two seconds for the door to close before all eyes returned to her. She fought the urge to purse her lips or raise her chin, and only returned her weapon to its clip on her back.

“How did you know we were here?” Kaidan asked, his voice full of fire. She was vaguely familiar with that scowl. She’d seen it on plenty of missions when she had acted in a way that wasn’t to his taste. But that felt a million years ago now.

“It’s…complicated.” She leaned her hand on her hip and shot a glance between him and their Shepard. “You’re Commander Shepard?”

“Yes.” He stepped forward until he was parallel with Kaidan. “And who are you?”

She swallowed. “My name is Cal Shepard. Commander Cal Shepard of the Alliance Navy.”

Their Shepard raised his eyebrows. “I didn’t know there was another Commander Shepard in the Alliance.”

“My records show no other Commander Shepard…Commander,” EDI added.

“That’s because there isn’t. I’m _the_ Commander Shepard,” Cal said.

There was a long beat of silence. Cal felt sweat bead at her forehead and swallowed. Again.

“Excuse me?” their Shepard finally asked. She was surprised that his voice only held confusion, and not incredulity.

“It’s a long story.” She raised her chin, trying for something akin to confidence. _Here goes everything_. “But I _am_ Commander Shepard, the same as you. I took the brunt of the beam instead of Kaidan on Eden Prime. I found Illos with my squad. I defeated Saren. I died over Alchera. Cerberus brought me back. I defeated the Collectors. I destroyed Bahak. I faced trial with the fucking Alliance to try and prove the Reapers were coming. And I –” Her voiced cracked. She cleared it once. “I’ve lost people. But I saved Jack and all those kids. I helped Mordin cure the genophage. I’ve been _here_.” She was breathing heavily as the weight of her words settled between them all. “And I’ve been past it.”

The buzz of silence burned against her ears.

“What the _fuck_?” Kaidan pulled his pistol up and made two calculated steps toward her.

In the same beat, Cal had her own pistol drawn and trained on his skull. “Don’t do this, Kaidan,” she warned.

His nostrils flared. “What is this, Shepard?” he shot over his shoulder.

Their Shepard moved forward slowly, frowning, gun still holstered. “I have no earthly idea.”

“Some kind of nut job having a psychotic break? Cerberus agent?” Kaidan spat.

“Liara has access to that information. Someone could have hacked her,” their Shepard added as he took her in with new eyes, a quizzical once over.

“My data shows that probability of that is seven hundred and thirty four trillion to one.”

“Then how does she know?” James asked, raising an eyebrow at EDI.

“I’m telling the _truth_ , goddammit,” she snapped. Her eyes darted up to their Commander and back to Kaidan. “What would it take to convince you?”

“Nothing,” Kaidan said at the same time as Shepard said,

“I don’t know if you can.”

“ _Fuck_.” She blew out a long breath. Sweat itched against her cheeks as it raced down her face. She flexed her fingers over the still-aimed gun. “Okay. Shepard. What’s your first name?”

His brows knit together. “Jax.”

“Jax. Okay. Can I call you Jax?” He folded his arms and nodded. She wet her lips and glanced over at him. “Alright. Jax. Been having trouble sleeping lately?”

Jax Shepard’s arms moved by a fraction, a slight tightening of muscles.

“Yeah. That’s what I thought. I have the same dreams. Been having them since Earth.” She swallowed and fought to keep the bile out of her voice, to keep from picturing the silvery shell of the dead child. “Always in the woods chasing that kid I couldn’t save. And the _voices_.” She grimaced. “I can always almost hear them, but not quite.” She glanced at Jax again. His face had gone pale. “Right?”

For one horrible moment, she thought he might lie. Thought he might let Kaidan shoot and that she might have to watch Kaidan die again, at her own hand. Might have to fight for her life against her own goddamn parallel. She didn’t know his character. He could be anyone. He could do anything.

“Put your gun down,” Jax said, settling his hand on Kaidan’s shoulder. “I don’t know what’s going on, but she’s not lying.”

Kaidan blanched, but let his gun fall, though he didn’t holster it. Shepard let her breath out low as she holstered hers. She straightened and looked at Jax. “What now?”

The door where the councilors had just exited opened with a swish, effectively cutting off Jax’s reply. They all turned to see Liara, Javik … and Garrus come through the door.

Cal froze, as much as someone already standing still and ridged could, but frozen all the same. Cold shock drenched into her lungs, suffocated her throat.

He was here. He was walking toward them with that familiar saunter that she’d come to memorize. Her hungry eyes were the only thing capable of movement, and they devoured him. Shards of ice slid through her vocal chords as she recognized the familiar scars on his face, and she had to purse her lips to keep the wounded sound from leaving her body. But, goddamn. It was the same face and the same walk and even the same fucking armor. He was here. He was alive.

And she’d watched him die.

He paused next to his Shepard, _Jax_ , and she watched his plates shift over his face as he registered her presence. She took slow and steady breaths – anything to hide from that visor scan he was surely conducting.

“Shepard…” Liara’s voice was soft, confused. Shepard felt a pang there too, and she longed for her own long dead, long gone friend. “Who is this?”

Garrus only inclined his head to Jax, a question in the lay of his mandibles. Shepard swallowed and waited.

If she thought Garrus’ scrutiny was intense, it had nothing on this Shepard. The bastard wasn’t giving her any tells, not now, and he was quick. One glance over her up and down, a slight narrowing of his eyes, and then a shift in them so significant she could swear she heard and audible _click_.

It happened in a second, and no one else seemed to notice before he looked up at Garrus and then to Liara. “A new ally.” He gave them all a tight smile. “Come on. Back to the _Normandy_.”

“Another primitive,” Javik muttered as they all fell in step behind Jax. “Wonderful.”

For a moment, Shepard felt so homesick she thought she might cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two. Months.
> 
> I'm so sorry. I'm the WORST. I SUCK. MEBB ate me. 23k words is time consuming and I'm so sorry to have neglected this fic as a result. But as it sits with beta, I'm hard at work on this one again! I wanted to have 4 written before I posted this, but alas, I have no will power. And 4 is half written, so, maybe a sooner update???? Hopefully????? Who knows. I have hope and faith in the writing gods that my muse doesn't get away from me.
> 
> Anywho, thank you for continueing to read or just now joining in and to anyone who's shared their thoughts. You guys are sunshine and beauty and all the things that are lovely about the world. Thank you thank you thank you.


	4. Open House

Getting back to the Normandy took longer than Cal expected. At the docking bay, Jax asked her to wait at the bay doors. Kaidan was standing off to the side a few yards back, arms crossed and frowning. She watched for a moment, but turned away after one glare from Kaidan. _That is_ not _the man I remember_. She swallowed the lump in her throat and crossed her arms as she leaned against the wall.

After what felt like hours, Kaidan brushed past her without a word, almost startling her in his briskness. Then Jax was at her side, a sigh crinkling his brow.

“Let’s go.”

 

Jax didn’t waste any time getting to business once on board. “Everyone, get showered up and rested. I’ve got plenty more missions for us, but we’re no good exhausted. Take the time to relax.” He looked at her, eyes unreadable. “Shepard. With me.”

She pursed her lips and followed. Garrus spared her a passing glance as the group splintered and went their own ways. Heat rose in her cheeks. She broke the look and observed the elevator wall with newfound interest.

When the door clicked shut, Jax glanced at her. “So.”

“So.”

There was silence until the elevator came to a halt and opened for them. He moved out immediately. “We have a lot to talk about.”

She snorted, though she didn’t feel the humor. She couldn’t help herself. “That’s an understatement.”

Once inside the cabin, she stopped dead at the entrance, just over the threshold. He began pulling off his gauntlets, taking apart the clasps on his armor, oblivious to her reaction. He was talking, but his voice came through warbled and distant.

It looked the same. Exactly. The same. The same fish, the same bed, the same sheets, the same computer, the same goddamn coffee cups littering the desk. The taste of bile dashed across her too-dry tongue. The coffee table was the same. The chair was the same one she remembered spending too much time in – it even had that same worn-in look. Was that all they both were? Worn-in carbon clones doomed to live eternally and not at all? Copies on copies on copies? Chemicals that kept repeating and cycling, never changing or moving? Never knowing any better? Was that all –

“Cal.”

His grip on her arm roused her back. She swallowed and jerked out of his grasp, frowning at him.

“Are you alright?”

“Fine.” She shoved a chunk of her hair out of her face and exhaled through her nose. “I’m fine.” She made her way into the cabin, settling on standing near the couch; not touching anything, not following suit with him in removing her armor. She turned back to him, regarding him with the same raised eyebrow he now held for her. “What do want to know?”

He huffed, smirking as he removed the rest of his armor until he remained only in his hardsuit. “Is that even a question?” He shook his head and moved past her, taking out clothes from a dresser. “I’m gonna change.”

He disappeared into the bathroom. She shifted from foot to foot in his absence, trying her damnedest to _not fucking look_ at the cabin that was by all accounts…hers. Shepard’s.

_This is going to be one headache after another._

He came back out wearing his Alliance uniform. A part of her nearly sighed with relief – at least this was different. She always preferred her N7 hoodie and sweats to dress blues.

“As I was saying,” he continued, remaining near his desk, looking down on her. “Well, I don’t really know where to begin.” He sighed and made his way to the couch, sitting and gesturing for her to do the same. “Why don’t you tell me what happened? Specifically, to bring you here.”

She frowned, but still sat. “It’s a bit more complicated than that.”

“Okay. Then tell me what I need to know.”

So she did.

It felt like hours, and her throat was sore when she finished, but she explained her circumstances to him – as well as a person can explain how one can fail to defeat the Reapers, die, be brought back to life _again_ , and then transported to another, parallel, universe. She started at the battle on Earth, the final battle. Everything else was really just preamble, steps she was fairly certain they would be taking anyway. And the journey wasn’t as important as the destination, as the Crucible. She explained it to him, the battle to reach the beam and everything that happened to get her to the choice and to the silvery, lying child. The three choices – destroy, control, and synthesis, as she’d come to calling them – she took extra care in explaining, both her thoughts and the child’s words. She told him…how she failed. How everyone died, including herself.

“Are you with me so far?”

Jax hadn’t spoken once. She’d expected interruptions or interjections, but he remained still and considerate, only a furrow in his brow that deepened as she went on.

“I am…” his voice trailed off. “It’s certainly a lot to take in.”

“I know, believe me.” She took a deep breath. “There’s more.”

She attempted to explain the Grid Team, in their words and her own understanding. She had no knowledge of whatever sci-fi bullshit made it possible for them to revive her so quickly or transport entire ships across the multiverse, but even with her own somewhat lingering disbelief, she couldn’t refute the fact that she was…there. And he didn’t seem inclined to either.

She continued, explaining the tech they had given her to be installed in the Crucible upon arriving at the top, at the beam, and what that tech accomplished, why it couldn’t be activated until the Crucible was absolutely ready. There, he finally interrupted.

“What happens when it’s activated too soon?”

She chewed the inside of her cheek for a moment. “The Reapers sense the tech and understand its origin, and destroy the galaxy instead of harvesting it.”

He blew out a breath and leaned back. “Shit.”

“I know.” She patted her hands on her knees, a small metallic clink following the gesture. “But that’s all I know, all you _need_ to know. That’s why I’m here.”

“To deliver the tech.” It was more a statement than a question.

She frowned. “And to help. That’s not the only reason they sent me. I’ve seen what you’re going to be facing in the next few months. Nobody else has that kind of knowledge.”

He was silent for a long minute, longer than she was entirely comfortable with. It made her skin itch.

“Alright. You can stay for now. I want to test this knowledge of yours in the field before I make any final decisions.”

She pursed her lips, but nodded. “I suppose that’s fair.”

“Good. Okay, so we need to get you settled in, but first we need to introduce you to Hackett. Wait, uhh,” he fumbled with his words as he stood up, “our Hackett anyway.”

“Still stern as shit?” she asked, rising with him.

Jax laughed then as they moved toward the elevator. “I suppose so.”

 

Meeting Hackett was as much of a hassle as she expected. Mostly it was Jax speaking to him with her standing in the background of the call, adding her two cents when she was asked to. And when she wasn’t. Jax glared her down for most of those instances. He really had a righteous streak, this one. Just the same, she fought to bite her tongue. The last thing she wanted was for Hackett to demand her leave the _Normandy_ for whatever Alliance bullshit reason he could come up with.

By the end of the call, after a fair amount of arguing and bargaining, it was decided that she would remain on the ship until Jax wished otherwise. She wasn’t exactly _thrilled_ with that verdict, but it was better than the alternative. Hackett ruled her as classified from that point on. Only Jax and his team were to know the truth. Outside of that, she was now a newly minted Alliance marine to the rest of the world, if they asked. She fought her smirk as Jax ended the call. No matter the universe, she seemed destined to be a soldier.

“Well, now that’s settled, we’ll need to introduce you to everyone and find you somewhere to stay.”

She straightened from where she had been leaning on the wall and frowned. “I really don’t need the whole dog and pony show, if it’s all the same to you.”

He narrowed his eyes and sighed. “With due respect, _Shepard_ ,” his brows made a pointed quirk, “you may already have knowledge of everyone and everything here, but they don’t. And I don’t know you. So, yes, you really do need the dog and pony show.”

She pursed her lips. _So that’s how this is gonna be. One big pissing contest after the other. What. Ever._ “I guess I don’t really have a choice in the matter.”

“’Fraid not.” Then he smiled, warm and surprisingly genuine, and gestured to the door. “After you.”

She blew out a breath and made her way out. Once beyond the scanner – why in the _fuck_ the Alliance put it in, she would never know – Jax took the point and lead her to the cockpit.

It was just as she remembered it; she could hear Joker talking long before they made themselves known.

“She’s here now? On the _ship_?”

“Shepard brought her aboard, yes,” EDI replied evenly. Cal might have been imagining it, but she thought she could almost hear amusement in the AI’s voice.

“Well, that’s just great.” The chair creaked as the pilot leaned back in it. “Sure, Shepard. Bring a stranger with mysterious knowledge onto our warship while we’re in the middle _of_ a galactic war.”

“That’s not very polite, Joker,” Jax cut in, smirking and resting his hand on the back of the chair.

Joker jumped and nearly fell out of it. “Jesus, you have _got_ to stop doing that.”

Jax grinned and turned to Cal, gesturing her forward. She settled next to him, arms crossed and one hip cocked out slightly, face carefully neutral. “Joker, this is Cal Shepard. EDI, I believe you both met earlier?”

“Indeed.”

“Right. Cal Shepard.” Joker held out his hand, though he didn’t wear the smile she’d grown so used to over the years. _He’s not Joker. Not really. Not yours._ She swallowed and took his hand with a nod. He narrowed his eyes and glanced up at Jax. “Not very talkative is she?”

“No, not really,” she hedged, letting a cool half smile break across her face.

He raised an eyebrow and finally let one of his own, real smirks break through. “Alright, fair enough. Nice to meet you, Cal.”

She bristled. “I prefer Shepard.”

A strange silence encased the cockpit. Even EDI stopped her movements to regard their reactions. But Cal didn’t regret saying it, and she didn’t back down from the statement either. Eventually, Joker smirked at her anew, though now the gesture held a forced gleam in his eye. “Sure, thing.”

He turned around and went back to his console without another word. Jax pursed his lips at the pilot, then her, and then sighed as he made his way back out again.

Once they were out of earshot, he gave her a look. “That could have gone better.”

“Probably.”

He huffed and stopped short just in front of the galaxy map. Her armor clinked as she stumbled to stop with him. “Look,” he sighed, “I understand that you’re used to a certain level of respect and camaraderie with your crew. I can’t imagine what it would be like if the roles were reversed. My head spins just from trying to grasp all the implications, and I’m just going off your _word_. But my people don’t know you. I don’t know how different or similar they are to the people you knew, but they are their own. They made themselves here, with me and with others. I don’t mean to be harsh, but for this to work we need to be honest with each other. You’re asking a lot of them, and for them to give you the benefit of a doubt _here_ , in their home. No matter what or who they were over there, I need you to respect them for it.”

Cal felt as though he’d injected her with ice water. _Can he really see right through me? Am I that transparent?_ She swallowed back the bile rising in her throat at the thought. “I…didn’t mean to offend.” She blinked rapidly and tried for even breaths. “It’s an adjustment. I’ll make due.”

Jax’s eyes were so soft as he regarded her, so empathetic, she had to look at the wall. “Right,” he said, squaring his shoulders in her peripherals. “Then let’s continue.”

Jax led her to the elevator. They made their descent in stony silence. Cal wondered if elevators ever made for enjoyable silence, but she knew all too well the benefits of elevators…

 _Nope. Don’t go there. Not right now. Don’t you_ dare.

Her heart rate picked up as unwanted images of blue and grey and rough touches filled her mind. She barely had a moment to quash the memories before the doors opened and Jax led her out into the mess.

Once they rounded the corner, she fought every instinct to stop dead in her tracks. Garrus was leaning against the kitchen island drinking some kind of dextro version of coffee, and talking to Kaidan on the other side. As they entered the room, both parties froze. She could see Kaidan’s entire body go stiff as his lip curled in a sneer. Garrus only stilled and watched, which was somehow worse.

Jax smiled warmly as they both stopped a few feet away from the squad members. “Kaidan, Garrus, allow me to formally introduce you to Commander Cal Shepard.”

Kaidan’s eyebrows somehow rose and came crashing together in the span of a second. “You can’t be serious.”

Garrus took a sip of his drink and regarded her more fully. She kept her eyes on anywhere but him.

Jax frowned and Cal could see his muscles tighten slightly as he shifted his stance. “I’m entirely serious.”

Kaidan scoffed. “This is such bullshit.”

“Major,” Jax ground out, “I would appreciate it if you would express your concerns to me in private.”

For one bristling hot moment, Kaidan and Jax held each other in battle fought only in their eyes. Cal couldn’t take it. Their animosity was hitting her in almost physical heat waves. She looked at the floor and clasped her hands behind her back.

“No need to I suppose,” Kaidan said finally, tone surprisingly lacking in emotion. He picked up his coffee and held Jax’s gaze again. “Makes no difference now.” And then he was walking away, disappearing toward Samara’s observatory.

Jax sighed and ran a hand over his face. “I’m sorry.” He tried to smile at her, but it was too tight. “He’ll warm up to you.”

Cal snorted as her lip quirked up. “I won’t hold my breath.”

“Yeah,” Jax sighed.

“You guys gonna be alright?” Garrus asked, eye ridge arched high. He twirled his drink in his hands.

“We’ll be fine. We always are.”

“Alright.” Garrus returned his sharp blue gaze to her and she felt her heart rate spike. _Fucking hell, woman_. “Garrus Vakarian. It’s good to meet you, formally.”

“Likewise.”

“So…” he swirled his drink again and flicked his mandible out in a smirk, “you really are from another universe?”

Cal scrunched her nose and held her breath. “Yeah.”

“And you believe her?” he asked, looking at Jax now.

“I do. All the evidence points to that being the only logical conclusion.” He grinned. “If that even makes sense to say.”

Garrus chuckled once and took a drink. The sound alone was enough to make Shepard want to punch him in the face. Anything to make him stop acting exactly like _her_ Garrus. “That’s good enough for me.” He held his hand out. “Glad to have you on board.”

She swallowed and hesitated for a moment before taking his hand in hers. “Thank you. That’s–” The sentence rest of the sentence failed to make its appearance and she swallowed. Again. His hand was so _warm_. “Thanks.”

Jax grinned, looking at them like some sort of proud parent on the first day of school. “Great. If you’ll excuse us Garrus, we’re making our rounds.”

Garrus tipped his drink in mock salute. “I’ll be in the battery if you need me,” he said as he turned and made his way there. Cal tried not to watch him go. She really did.

When she caught Jax’s gaze again, he was staring her down with narrowed eyes. She could practically hear the gears whirring in his head, like she had on the Citadel.

“What?” she asked, defensiveness leaking into her voice.

“Nothing,” he shrugged, smirking. “Let’s go see Liara.”

The Shadow Broker was more cordial than Cal expected her to be. By all counts, Cal was the most dangerous thing to exist in a universe where the Shadow Broker held inordinate amounts of power. She expected Liara would fully brief Jax on the pure _lack_ of information later, in that worried voice she had when she was at a loss. Cal wished she could be there. This Liara was a carbon copy of her friend, down to the smallest movement. It made her feel nauseous and lonely all at once.

Jax led her down to engineering to meet Ken and Gabby next, who were as chipper and talkative as she remembered. _Some things never change_. As the idiom floated through her mind it left her mouth dry. When they said the hardest truths were the most difficult to swallow, she never expected to experience it so literally.

She barely remembered the ride to the docking bay, where Cortez and Vega awaited. It took no small amount of effort, but she bore through Vega’s initial ribbing – one she remembered well, even if it had some variation now. “So, another Commander Shepard? _Mierda_. Reapers won’t know what hit ‘em.” She tried for a smile and threw him a line to chew on, something to stave him over. The last thing she wanted to have to do as soon as she met the man was reject him. _Again_.

Cortez was by far the friendliest of her receptors. He greeted her the same as he had all those months ago in her universe, his eyes lacking the same suspicion she saw even in Vega. “I figure you’re here to help. If Shepard says you’re good, that’s what you are.” He grinned and shook her hand, and for a moment, she didn’t have words to properly thank him.

Jax saved her. “I appreciate that, Cortez.”

“Any time, sir.”

Jax gave him an easy smile. “We should go. Gotta find her bunk.”

Cortez waved one hand as he turned back to his work table. “No problem. See you around, Cal.”

She tried not to flinch as her name slipped into the open air. She’d put it to bed years ago, and now here it was, come back to haunt her.

 _Another adjustment_. _Focus_.

Jax led the way to the elevator in silence until the doors closed on them. “So, I think Kaidan took the observatory,” he hedged. He was rubbing his middle finger and thumb together and not meeting her eyes. “You know the ship well. Where do you, uh, want to stay?”

Oh. He felt awkward. Cal stifled a smirk and settled for licking her lips before she spoke. “Under engineering’s fine by me.”

His head jerked her way suddenly. “Are you serious?”

“Sure,” she shrugged, armor clinking with the movement. “It’s spacious, out of the way, private.” She forced a half smile his way. “Plus, I like it there.”

His brows knit together, but he turned away without another word and punched in the engineering level. They walked in silence until they reached the room in question. Cal ran her hands over the familiar cot and storage units. The room was exactly what she wanted – untouched. It was hers to use and make her own; apart from all the fucked up similarities that surrounded her. Sure, it was still _the same_ , like everything else, but it wasn’t a cabin that was adorned with memories and accomplishments and fragments of life that _weren’t hers_. Not here, anyway.

Cal turned back to Jax to find him staring her down, arms folded and with that same knit-browed, what-the-fuck look on his face. She offered him a smile, a real one. “This is perfect.”

He pursed his lips, then relaxed his arms, though a ghost of the expression remained. “If you’re okay here.” The statement was more of a question. When she didn’t respond he crinkled his nose and started to turn to the stairs. “Then I’ll let Ken and Gabby know you’ll be down here.”

“Thanks,” she called, offering a wave as he disappeared above her.

When his steps faded into silence, she began releasing the clasps and latches of her armor. She really needed to get with…someone, about finding proper civies, but as her armor fell away until she remained only in her hardsuit, relief, exhaustion, and a thousand other emotions she had no energy to process, hit her in a wave. She let herself collapse onto the cot, relishing the feeling of being horizontal.

All the shit she needed to do could wait until tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo. If you're a regular reader, fucking god BLESS you, honestly. I don't want this to be a novel, but my life turned upside down and inside out in the last three months, so, I'm sorry. I can tell you that this fic is my BABY and I am actively still writing/working on it. Just...having to adjust to a million different personal changes atm. 
> 
> ANYWAY, again, thank you for reading this fic. It really means more to me than I can possibly express through language. Just, know that I believe that you are a bright, resplendent light in this universe and I love you <3


	5. The Wailing Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Battle violence, slightly more graphic than game levels

Cal woke up early, per her usual. She’d been on the ship a total of three days and had already begun to develop a pattern: Wake up, throw on civies that a crewman (begrudgingly) provided, go the mess, get coffee, ignore the stares, find Jax, and do something hopefully useful for the remainder of the day. So far, the most useful thing Jax had for her was reading old mission reports to familiarize herself with their galaxy. Useful enough, but eventually her eyes began to burn, until she was reading the same goddamn sentence over and over.

She felt…fidgety. Her fingers twitched against her coffee cup as she took a sip. She’d been still for too long. Unplugged from Reapers and battles and decisions.

Decisions. In their absence she realized just how much weight they had carried, how much of the carrying she’d been doing. Without them, tension kept needling into her shoulders and spine and scratching along the surface of her skin. Yes, she was fidgety. Jumpy. _Nervous_. She swallowed her grumble and instead took another drink as she hit the button to the CIC.

 She bee lined for the war room as soon as the doors opened. As the machine scanned her, she tried not to look at the soldiers working the machine. They were different than the women she knew. Worry for those women she barely knew niggled its way into her mind. She sipped her coffee and stared at the floor.

When the scan finished it took everything in her not to power-walk away. Instead, she nodded to the men and made her way inside at a leisurely pace. Jax was standing at the center table with Kaidan, already poring over a report. Kaidan still hadn’t warmed to her presence, not that she really blamed him, but he seemed to be over the whole displaying-outright-hostility shtick. She walked up to them and cleared her throat lightly.

“Cal,” Jax greeted her, smiling a little. Kaidan nodded.

“Morning. What’s this?” she asked, nodding to the datapad that hovered between the three of them.

“A mission report,” he sighed. “There seems to be an entire monastery of sorts for Ardat-Yakshi, and they haven’t reported in for a few weeks. The matriarchy sent in commandos with a bomb, to take care of them, apparently.” The disgust in his voice was vitriolic. “But they haven’t heard from them either.”

“Fucking hell.” She chewed the inside of her cheek and looked up at him. “I thought you’d done this already.”

He frowned. “Clearly not. Why?” Next to him, Kaidan regarded her with cold eyes, expression unchanged.

She worried her lip. “There’s a new abomination there. We called them banshees; Ardat-Yakshi corrupted by Reapers and transformed into monsters.” She shivered and took a sip. Her drink was cold. “Nasty fuckers. And hard as hell to kill.”

Jax pursed his lips and glanced from her to the report. After a moment, he sighed and placed it onto the table, giving her his full attention. “Alright. You’re coming then. I’ll let Garrus and Liara know. You can brief us more on the way down.”

Cal fought to hide her bristling at the turian’s name. Fortunately, Jax didn’t have the chance to examine the flicker of expression.

“What? Are you serious?” Kaidan’s outrage was plain on his face, though not directed at her. He inched closer into Jax’s space.

 _Huh. Only one person ever did that to me_.

Cal squashed the thought, but not before the dots made their, albeit feeble, connections. It didn’t matter what Kaidan’s relationship to Jax was. In any event, the biotic looked like he was more likely to punch someone than kiss them at the moment.

Jax straightened and squared his shoulders. “You’re on bedrest. Chakwas orders.”

“You’re observing her recommendations as law now?” He snorted. “Unbelievable.” He walked out without another word and Jax didn’t try to stop him.

“He’s not always like this.” Jax ran a hand over his face. His voice was all resignation, a world weary soldier. She knew the look well.

She laid a hand on his shoulder. “He’ll come ‘round. These things blow over.”

“You’re right,” he said, sighing with his whole body before straightening anew. “Go ahead and gear up. We’re setting coarse and should be ready for drop off in an hour.”

“Roger that.”

It had been a long time since she’d had a CO, longer still since she’d accepted orders without question. She couldn’t quite place it, but there was a certain, guilty, part of her that relished in it. She was a specialist. She was a voice in group, and not the one holding a megaphone. In the depths of her mind, she knew she should feel some measure of righteousness. _I’m Commander Shepard. I fucking fought and died_. _I don’t just take orders from men I don’t know._ But the part of her that won, the part that trudged to her room and set her coffee cup down and took it’s time putting on her armor, knew this was only a break.

The real work hadn’t even started yet.

 

The monastery was as haunting as she remembered. Already, her skin crawled with dread as she followed Jax into its depths. There was no avoiding the inevitable, that she knew, but it did nothing to calm her nerves.

“Does it look the same?”

Her head whipped to the dual toned voice at her left. Garrus caught her eyes for a moment before looking ahead again. She swallowed and tightened her grip on her Suppressor.

“Yes.”

The word echoed between the four of them as they crept through the empty halls littered with the remains of life. She wanted to swallow her fear. Every distant sound became a shadow of a shriek in her head. _There’s nothing here. There wasn’t before. There won’t be now_.

“There won’t be anything in here,” she finally said, her voice feeling too loud in the dark room. “We need to keep moving.”

“Could be different,” Jax threw over his shoulder, pressing on. For all his warmth and calm on the ship, he was everything she would expect in a Commander now. “Can’t take that chance.”

She didn’t bother to hide her sigh. They shone their lights into every crevice in the massive room. Every sound made her flinch.

“It’s so,” Liara whispered as they made their way into the next room, “empty.”

“It’s not.” Garrus and Liara both looked at her. “They’re hiding.”

“Come on,” Jax groused, his frustration leaking into his voice and the stance of his shoulders. “Keeping moving.”

No sooner were they out the door than Jax stopped dead.

“An asari commando?” she announced as she came up behind him. She didn’t need to see the body to remember that feeling of a pit falling into her stomach. “They fought the Reapers to the last man.”

“Goddess,” Liara breathed, leaning down to scan the body. She looked up at Jax from her crouched position. “She’s right.”

“Shit.” He clenched his fist and released it before turning to Cal. “Does anyone survive this?”

She fought the urge to bite the inside of her cheek. “Not when I was here.”

He swore again and looked back at the body. “A lot of lives could have been saved if they’d evacuated them sooner.”

Cal bristled at the statement. Ardat-Yakshi didn’t deserve to become the horror the Reapers created, but to let them have free reign of the galaxy again? Lunacy. Some sacrifices needed to be made.

She bit her tongue and followed in silence as they moved on.

They reached the railing in time to hear the crash.

“Very good.” The cool voice floated up to them. “I almost didn’t hear you.” A cannibal dropped dead at her feet as Samara appeared, wreathed in blue. “You are a welcome sight Shepard.”

Liara folded her arms. “I assume you’re here on your own behalf, Justicar. Perhaps for something special?”

“You are correct,” she nodded. “Two of my daughters live here, and I have come for them.”

“They’re not a threat,” Cal said to Jax, though not tearing her eyes off the woman below. She was growing numb to the sheer familiarity in everything. Even the words. “At least, not yet.”

Jax nodded to her and looked back at Samara. “We can help you find them. Maybe they can tell help us evacuate others.”

“I expect they will have larger concerns,” she mused, turning to the window.

A shriek pierced the room, clouded by the closed door. Cal’s heart sputtered into her throat.

“What the hell was that?” Garrus bit out, gripping his gun tighter and looking at Cal.

“A banshee,” she breathed.

“We’re out of time!” Samara shouted, ignoring their exchange as her body exploded with blue. “We’ll meet again. I’ll draw these creatures off.”

“Wait!” Jax shouted, but the Justicar was already gone. He hit the rail with his fist. “Let’s go.”

They flew down the stairs. Every step felt like cool relief as adrenaline replaced her trepidation. Jax fired up his tool and lifted it to the door.

“Hold on!” All eyes turned on her. “There’s going to be two of them in there. One coming right below us, and another from the upper right of the room. And more cannibals.”

Jax glared. “You don’t know that for sure!”

His anger surprised her. She took a steadying breath. “You need to trust me. The faster we get these things, the faster we can set off the bomb, and maybe kill them off before they leave this place.”

A long five second passed. Enough to make her doubt.

“Fine,” he spit out. “What do we do?”

“Go ahead of me. Draw her out. I can charge her from behind and finish her off. It’ll give us more time to deal with the others.”

A vein pulsed in his forehead. For all of Jax Shepard’s goodness and understanding, the man clearly had a short fuse and trouble taking orders.

 _At least we have that in common_.

“Alright.” He nodded to the others, lifting his shotgun to the ready. “Move out.”

While Jax worked the door, Garrus looked at her over his shoulder, a sharp glint in his eyes. “Be careful.”

She blinked at him, feelings as foreign as they were familiar pooling in her gut, and scowled. “Don’t worry about me.”

Surprise fluttered across his features, but before he could respond, the door slid open. Cal watched as they descended down the stairs and out of sight. She crept up to the doorway and stopped.

 _Wait_.

Their footsteps rebounded off of every surface. Her heartrate spiked.

 _Wait_.

Jax appeared below in her vision, Liara and Garrus fanning out from him at both sides.

 _Wait_.

The shriek came and vibrated through her very skull. A violent blue glow appeared beneath her. Gunfire tore through the air as her ear crackled with shouts and orders.

 _Wait_.

The creature warped a few feet forward, its deformed head turned at an unnatural angle as she stalked her prey.

 _Now_.

Cal let her omniblade unfurl and gripped it with all her strength as she sprinted. She didn’t have long. Only a few seconds before the monster would warp too far, out of her reach.

Just as another scream began to rumble from the beast, Cal flung herself over the railing and charged. Her body slammed against the creature’s back, the landing ripping through what little remained of its shields and slicing it open so that its black blood gushed against her. Cal threw her hand over its eyes, trying to catch her bearings. It swiped at her in blindness, one of its fingers slicing into her cheek. With a shout, Cal shoved the hand away with her blade. As it lost momentum, she drove the blade through its mouth to the hilt.

A scream crackled and died in its throat as its body went limp and collapsed to its knees.

Cal rose up off of it as it turned to ash, turning away from the scorched floor as she let her blade dissipate. When she looked up they were all staring at her. Silent.

The moment died as a gunshot flickered against her shields. She rolled into cover and pulled out her gun. Even as she leaned out to fire, she reveled in the feeling of success.

 _For once_.

 

It took some time to finish off the last banshee along with the cannibals, but they managed it with a cold efficiency that thrilled Cal with every kill. It was really something, she realized, feeling in sync with a team. No matter the role, she felt more at home when she was fighting with people at her back than she did anywhere else.

_And what does that say about you, huh?_

She ignored her own thoughts as they moved to the door at the end of the hall.

“That was impressive,” Garrus said, not turning her way. She pursed her lips and ignored him.

“It was. You have quite the tactical mind,” Liara added as Jax set to opening the door.

Cal shrugged one shoulder, her gaze fixed on the back of Jax’s head. “Helps when it’s your second time around.”

There was no time for anyone else’s input. The door opened and Jax didn’t hesitate, leaving them all to trail behind.

An asari encased in blue ran past their hall, followed by a growling cannibal. Jax grunted and picked up the pace. By the time they reached the mouth of the hall, Samara descended in front of the asari and threw the cannibal back, crushing its skull against the ground with a sickening squelch.

“Mother!” the asari cried, voice choked. “You came!”

“As soon as I was able.” Samara faced Jax and stepped toward him. “This is my youngest, Falere. She and her sister Rila are Ardat-Yakshi. They–”

“Mother!” The asari stumbled forward. “They have Rila!”

“What?”

It never failed to make Cal’s mouth go dry, to hear panic leak into the Justicar’s voice.

“They took her into the Great Hall. I’ve been trying to get there.”

“Then we’re too late.”

Samara turned to Cal, finally, eyes narrowing by a fraction. “Excuse me?”

Jax faced her now too, a mixture of anger and questioning on his face. Cal swallowed.

“If they’ve taken her, it’s too late. She’s already been infected. We need to set off that bomb _immediately_. We may have a chance to kill these abominations for good.”

Falere’s face contorted in rage. “What _bomb_? That’s my sister!” She aimed her glare at Jax. “Didn’t you come here to rescue people?”

Samara frowned and turned to Jax. “Who is this woman, Shepard?”

He shook his head. “There’s not enough time to explain. And it’s not important right now. But we are _not_ abandoning your daughter, Samara.” He shot Cal a pointed glance and her face twisted in retort, but she bit her tongue.

“I’m going ahead,” Falere said, defiance written over all of her features. She raised herself over the railing until she hit the floor below, and ran.

“She’s going to the Great Hall.” Samara followed suit, though her movements were more fluid than her daughter’s.

“We’re right behind you.”

“Be swift!” Samara shouted up at them.

When she was gone, Jax rounded on her. “Don’t ever undermine me like that again.” His voice was cool, calmer than it had been for the entire mission.

“Undermine?” she sneered, slapping her pistol to her hip and walking up to him. “I was telling the _truth_ , as I have been this whole goddamn time. We can’t waste our time on these,” she waved her hand in the air, “trivialities. We’re at war.”

He scoffed and shook his head. “No war is worth sacrificing innocent lives unnecessarily.” He nodded to the other two and let his eyes fall on her again. “We need to move.”

Cal’s anger burned as he brushed past her to keep moving. She grit her teeth and clenched and unclenched her fist, then unclasped her pistol and ran until she was ahead of the rest of them.

Her fury increased with every step they took. She unleashed it on the wayward cannibals they passed. _Who the fuck does he think he is?_ She charged one and let her blade sear through its eye. _He’s going to let them get the fuck away_. She aimed her Suppressor and fired off two shots into the other one’s skull before it even finished its growl. Liara and Garrus were gaping, fixated, while Jax glared. Cal rolled her eyes and pressed on, assuming the lead until Jax passed her by again, Liara to his right. Garrus remained with her at their rear, keeping pace with her at her left.

“He’s a good guy,” he offered. She looked at him sharply, but he only shrugged as they descended the stairs to another room. “He wants to win, but he doesn’t want people to suffer.”

Her lip curled and she scoffed, facing forward again and glaring at the back of Jax’s skull. “People die. We can’t save everyone.”

“That’s a bit cold,” he groused, mandible flicking out for a moment. Was he teasing her?

“It’s honest,” she huffed.

Jax opened the elevator and they all piled in. There was silence as they descended. Cal worried the inside of her lip.

“There will be three banshees, Shepard.” She swallowed the bitterness that came with saying the name. He didn’t look at her. “Rila will be unconscious, already infected. If we set off the bomb, we may be able to kill more of those monsters before the Reapers evacuate them. We could save hundreds of lives.”

The elevator stilled and the doors opened with a rush of air. Jax walked out immediately, ignoring her pleas. She grit her teeth and followed with the others.

The Great Hall was as vast and hollow as she remembered. Every shadow danced at the edge of her vision, playing tricks with her mind. The pale light of the planet’s moon left everything appearing gaunt and lifeless.

Falere’s cries echoed toward them. “Rila! Rila, wake up!”

“She can’t hear you, Falere.”

Jax ran until he was next to Samara, a few feet from Falere and her prone, unconscious sister.

“She’s alive,” Falere sobbed. “She just needs to wake up.”

On cue, Rila’s eyes fluttered and opened, the same sharp, pale blue as her mother’s. She rose to her feet with her sister’s help and shook her head in her hands.

“You’re safe now,” Falere said, triumph leaking into her voice.

Rila lifted her head again and opened her eyes, this time for them to be solid black. She bared her teeth and grabbed her sister’s throat. Falere pushed off and to the ground with a shout, and Rila’s body remained still.

“Why would she do that?” Falere shouted, a sob catching the end of the question.

“They’ve already started to turn her into one of them.”

Falere glared at Cal, her body flaring blue. “You’re wrong! Rila would never –”

Samara placed a hand on her daughter’s shoulder. “I fear the woman is right, Falere.”

“No,” Falere sobbed. “No, she can’t be–” But her voice cut off, and she buried her cries into her hands.

“I’m sorry,” Jax said. He and Samara shared a look, communicating some deep, awful truth between each other in the span of seconds. She nodded and turned back to her daughter, and he, in turn, faced them. “We have to set off that bomb.”

“Rila already _has_ the detonator,” Cal said. “Wake her up. There isn’t much–”

The skull cracking shriek echoed through the air, and Cal’s blood ran cold. _Too late too late too late_. She whipped her head toward the entrance; two banshees and five husks were already there, descending for them all.

“ _Shit_.”

“Later,” Jax called to them all as he raised his shotgun high.

Every second felt like a minute in Cal’s mind. As the team fanned out and took cover from their foes, she couldn’t help turning back and glaring at the floor where Rila was still prone. Her temper flared as she went back to firing into the fray. What a waste of her fucking time. What was the point of coming back? Of sacrificing everything, if she couldn’t make a goddamn difference anyway? It was already too late. This was one, big, elaborate distraction. The banshees would be long gone by the time they finished.

A banshee warped forward until it was feet in front of her. She snarled and charged into its chest, splitting it open as she had the last one. She fired into its eyes with one hand and slashed at its throat with her omniblade in the other. As the creature let out one last guttural scream, Cal screamed with her, her own unbridled fury and frustration released with it. Even as the scream faded in the beast’s throat, she shoved her blade into its chest once more, until the blue surrounding its body dimmed and died.

She hopped off and didn’t bother watching it disintegrate. She marched past Jax, who was mowing down the last husk, until she was right next to the bomb’s controls and Rila’s unconscious body. Her fingers flew over the keys.

_No more wasting time._

Rila stirred then. Cal didn’t move, didn’t look away from the screen even, when Falere made her way to help her up. She already knew how this conversation went.

“Falere go!” she panted. “Take the elevator!”

Cal hit the last of the sequences and pressed _enter_. She then crossed her arms and looked at the girls. Falere was holding her sister’s hands in her own, and shot a panicked glance between her and Cal.

Falere shook her head, almost dazed. “What are you doing?”

Rila looked at the floor for a moment. “It’s too late for me. There are hundreds here, and they’ll come.” She looked at her sister again, that same passion that Cal remembered flashing in her eyes. “Just _go_!” She released her sister’s hands and pulled out the detonator. All of them fell quiet.

Samara was the first to move away, to leave; her unwavering composure showing nothing at all, and then the rest began to follow.

Except for Falere.

Cal gripped her by the waist as she ran past, cutting off the asari’s attempt to reach her sister, and began pulling her down the stairs.

“No,” she choked out, scraping and clawing and struggling against her arm. She reached for her sister. “No, _Rila_!”

“I love you,” Rila said, almost too quiet to be heard over the clamoring feet that were darting for the elevator.

A sob wracked Falere’s body so hard that Cal could feel it even as they moved. She screamed; a horrible, tortured sound. “ _Rila_!”

The hissing prelude of multiple screeches echoed down the stairs toward them. Falere paid them no mind, and screamed again, this time the sound transforming into a sob halfway through.

Cal strapped her pistol onto her hip and locked eyes with Garrus, who was hovering just outside the elevator entrance. “Cover me,” she whispered, just barely loud enough to be heard. Before she got her response, she used her free hand to cover the young asari’s mouth as she dragged her up the last set of stairs toward the elevator.

Once inside, Jax began typing in controls to close the doors, but not soon enough.

The scene in front of them was even more horrific than before, somehow. Rila was swarmed with banshees, ten or more, that circled her position like vultures. Just as the doors snapped shut, they saw one drive its long, blackened claw through her chest.

When the doors were closed, Cal released Falere. The girl slammed into the door, fists pounding on it as she shouted her sister’s name. But it was over now. A few seconds later, the muted sound of fire and gunpowder tearing through metal reached them, causing their ascent to shudder, but not halt. Falere gaped at the door, a startled gasp falling out of her. The last of her poundings stuttered, then stopped, and she collapsed to the floor with a sob.

Jax was the only one to step forward, offering her a firm touch, a means to ground her, as her sobs surrounded them.

 

Cal let everyone walk ahead of her as Falere staggered out of the elevator. She remembered how this played out. She remembered the look on Samara’s face when she pulled the trigger; it was something almost like peace, almost like gratitude.

She remembered the fear in Falere’s eyes as Cal raised her own gun.

As she fired.

She remembered the way things shifted and changed after that, for better or worse.

Cal made a point not to dwell on the past; it left room for regret, and regret was a festering sore that would infect every inch of you if you let it. Hard decisions were in the job description, and if you couldn’t live with it, it would kill you. She knew it all too well. There were a million and one ways to forget – training, fucking, a big bottle all to herself – but just because she knew how to forget didn’t mean she was keen on reliving it in technicolor.

She moved as slow as she dared, but even well behind the others, the Justicar’s voice carried clear over the wind.

“I’m sorry, Shepard. By the Justicar’s code, there is only one way to save Falere.”

And her movements were so identical to before, the way she lifted the gun in one fluid motion without hesitation, the clarity in her eyes, the surety in her voice; it sent a wave of nausea through Cal.

“Mother, no!”

Cal couldn’t help it. _Call it a moment of weakness_. She closed her eyes and braced for the shot, and the one that followed.

But instead she heard only the scuffle of feet and the scrape of armor colliding. She opened her eyes to see Jax holding Samara’s hands behind her back, her pistol discarded on the ground over ten feet away.

“Let. Go,” Samara growled.

Cal stumbled forward until she stood between Garrus and Liara, watching the scene unfold.

“What are you doing?” she asked in unison with Jax.

But they ignored her, didn’t even glance her way.

“Fulfilling the code!” the Justicar snapped.

“By throwing your life away?”

Samara glared at him. “I won’t kill my last daughter.”

“You won’t have to,” Falare cut in.

In a universe of familiarity, of a sameness so jarring and normal all at once, the change in script felt like a glitch in the system, one she wasn’t quite able to process; even as Samara and Falare made peace, as they spoke with hope, even after what had just happened, as Jax calmed the storm before it had a chance to crash around them. It was something she saw at a distance, all sensation glancing over her, never settling in.

A hand on her shoulder brought her back to her body. She blinked and turned to find Garrus, an unrelenting presence, it seemed.

“Good work in there.” He smirked, one mandible flicking out, and let his hand drop from her shoulder as he strapped his sniper to his back. “You really saved our asses.”

She threw off the compliment with something between a huff and a chuckle. “You would’ve been fine.” _You were before_. She tried to swallow but her tongue kept sticking to the roof of her mouth. Instead she shuffled her feet and looked at the ground as she slapped her suppressor into its holster.

“You alright?”

She frowned at him, a smart retort dying on the tip of her tongue as she caught the glint of genuine concern sneaking across his face, hiding underneath the casual tone. She sighed and began following Jax and Liara to the shuttle. “Yeah. Just– It went differently for me.”

He sat next to her without hesitation, a move so goddamn _normal_ and _familiar_ that she had to fight to reign in the tension that wanted to immediately snake across her skin.

“Different is good, right? That’s why you’re here – to make sure it is.”

He meant the words well, that much she knew. She never found it in herself to respond, and she didn’t have to, as Liara began asking him about Palavan and family and the war. But Garrus’ words continued to clang around in her skull, loud and unwelcome, shoving cold realization into her bones.

_I’m not the one who fixed that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL
> 
> Wow. I'm the fuuuuucking worst. But, here she be. Chapter 5. On a fic I started almost a year ago. Bc that's the kind asshole I am apparently.
> 
> Anyway, I'm really proud of this chapter. I am not fond of battles, but this one was so interesting to write. I am really looking forward to getting the next chapter up, but I make no promises for timeline as it is not finished. Between moving and mental health nonsense, I'm barely feeling myself again.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, truly, form the bottom of my heart. I don't deserve you. You are light in this dark world <3 Any comments/kudos/what-have-yous are appreciated ^_^

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. You are so kind and lovely and beautiful. Any comments or kudos are appreciated. And again, thank you <3


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